Dear Self | A Rupi Kuar Project

So, to give some context here...@rupikaur_ did a live video for a writing workshop at the onset of quarantine. Firstly, during such a time, I was so deeply grateful for her giving her time freely and for the opportunity to disconnect from COVID-19 for a little while and dig deep. The first project was a free-writing assignment. We had to begin with "dear (add anyone), I’ve been dying to tell you..."

And then along the way, she gave us 1 word at a time (10 words total) and we had about 1 minute to create our writing around each word she gave us. I wrote and just let the pen flow. When I looked back I cried...and now as I read it again almost 1 month later, I cry again. I didn't realize just how many deep emotions I was foreshadowing in that moment of writing.

So I guess I’m just gonna open up my soul here and show y’all what came out. Rupi Kaur, thank you for this joyful experience. You are my favorite ✨ #writewithrupi .

Dear self,

I’ve been dying to tell you:

The walls of this box are caging my soul. 

I captured myself here.

I feel the packing peanuts surround me like a false sense of floating in water.

But I’m not suspended in weightless safety.

My hands are green with greed as I grip onto paper lies that we humans assign value to.

It may as well be liquid, as it slips through my fingers,

Leaving me emptier than its’ false promises. 

With each tick of the clock I am sweating, running against the illusion of time.

My finger nails crack as I scrape the bottom of this prison

Turning up with nothing to nourish this soul.

My slurping of what’s left is unquenchable.

My mouth turns to cotton.

I watch the video of my life playing.

I’m trying to grasp it with each replay.

The blood that pumps through these veins,

is more wise than my finite mind.

The lessons have yet to be learned. 

And like a horse, my thoughts keep running.

They seem majestic & free, but the power behind them rips me open.

So, I wrap them in this letter to you, my dear self.

I package them into the crisp corners of this envelope. 

And much like this box that I am trapped in,

I can only hope you open me up,

And let me run wild.

-Alaxandra Rutella (The Wild Inspired)