The Sun Was Always Shining

Like a fog rolling in

Our souls can become heavy,

Settling thick into the cracks of soil.

Blurring out all light...

Blinding visibility.

Doubting what lies just beyond our fingertips. 

Staggered breaths of distrust. 

We need the weight

We need the darker shade of light.

We need the reminder that even seemingly opaque walls are really translucent. 

Reaching out blindly,

we come to find that there is no sheet rock built before us,

but just an illusion. 

Sometimes we need this eerie stillness;

the feigned blockage,

To remind us that we must sit,

uninterrupted,

Allowing the settling of darkness into our fractures.

It is within these surface punctures

That we find ourselves again,

That we strengthen our foundation within ourselves.

And when we are ready,

When we have bonded with our ugliness,

we will discover that we are capable of a step forward.

Even through the most sturdy of walls,

even through the thickest of veils.

And we will breathe the freshness of the other side,

We will trust in what cannot be distinguished

We will regain the clarity in our vision.

It will be understood that where we imagined walls,

there were only clouds. 

And we will realize that the sun was always shining,

We just couldn’t see. 

_Alaxandra Rutella_

Just a word on this poem and the photos below...

I was struggling with depression on and off (and still do), but after a long talk with a woman very close to my heart, who really hit a deep slump in her life, I realized that I had only been able to empathize with her and really FEEL her pain, because I too had been there so many times before. I felt moved to put into words what depression feels like (for me at least) and what its like to come out of it. To realize that our perceptions as people with mental illness can often be skewed and it can keep us in a deep darkness for longer than necessary, but that sometimes the darkness is necessary too. For me, I found that my depression is linked to many past traumas that have gone untouched. These things have hindered me greatly without even realizing it. I have had to work VERY hard to get through, to stop avoiding my internal condition and to BELIEVE that I could have more. It has taken, and continues to take deep work. I have slowly reached through the fog, to the other side, and I am flourishing even through the very hard challenges that life still brings forward. I do not have everything I want or feel I need, in fact, I struggle in many areas of my life, but I continue forward with solid people by my side. I believe in my abundance today, I believe that God is carrying me through and that I am worthy of love & happiness. Below I decided to take some self portraits because firstly creativity is my medicine & secondly I just wasn't feeling good about myself and found confidence again. Also, if you didn't know I am a boudoir photographer, so being that I pump other women up for a living, I sometimes gift that to myself as well. You can check out my work at The Wild She Boudoir