Value > Appearance | Prioritizing Healing

 Can’t believe this was taken over 4 years ago. At first, I looked at this photo & felt shame wash over me, as I compared it to my current body. Let me be clear…There’s nothing wrong with me currently. But changes can be scary.

Aging as a woman and watching my body take shape in a curvier version of what I see here, terrifies me. But it’s also everything I’ve emotionally prepared for too. I get to love the woman I see on this screen, and also love the woman I see standing before me today. I get to understand that an extra 5-15 lbs isn’t lessening my worth. 

I get to deeply understand that priorities and goals change with time. It used to be that I spent a lot of time “working” on my body to be perfect, meanwhile I was completely obsessed with weight and massively insecure and would indulge in ED behaviors, punishing myself etc. Physically everyone thought I looked healthy, but mentally my health was shit. My whole existence relied on how I perceived my appearance and my body.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t physically take care of ourselves, but I am saying that it’s ok to heal emotionally first. In fact, I have found it to be the most important, because I’ve got nothing without my mental and spiritual foundation set first. 

The dive I took into self care not long after this photo was taken, was treacherous and painful and raw. And I tried really hard to hold onto my old actions of “self care” which included gym time etc. but all of that needed to take a back seat for a bit while I healed my grief, trauma and loss.

The only form of exercise I’ve done for the past couple years is kundalini yoga (which has supported and enhanced this healing journey) & some kickboxing intermittently. That’s all I have the energy for and even that gets hard to show up for, but it doesn’t mean that I’ve “let myself go” or given up on my health. It means that the path of my journey has morphed and my needs have changed. I get to flex that intuition today and value my needs over any outside pressure to be something different. 💪🏽 

And I just want to remind you, and I guess myself too, that it’s ok to prioritize mental health over physical. Yes, physical fitness does enhance mental health FOR SURE, but going through the process I’ve been in for years, along with growing a successful career for myself has needed a lot of time and energy and I’ve needed a lot of restoration and rest. This experience has been the “winter of my life”. 

And now as I continue to uncover more deep wounds within myself, I can see that it’s okay for me to start adding more consistent physical fitness to enhance the life I desire to live. The only difference now is that my motivation is from a place of pure self love instead of hate.

xx Alax